One of the great perks of being an artist is the ability to take the smallest thread and run with it. And sometimes running with that small thread is more dangerous than running with scissors. Ask my poor husband and kids who live with me. I’m forever presenting why they shouldn’t do something and supporting that argument with all kinds of worst case scenarios. Even health issues have a way of becoming life altering diseases if I let my imagination run amok. That imagination makes me really good at what I do and also completely crazy at times.
Every year, I see my oncologist for a follow up check up for my breast cancer incident that occurred nine years ago. It is always met with dreaded anticipation and there is huge relief when I leave the office and then even huge-er (I know that isn’t a word…) relief when I get the all clear on blood work. That visit usually occurs in the late fall.
In the spring I go for my annual mammogram. Though I found my cancer lump myself, I’m still a firm believer of mammograms, they give a baseline, and screen for minor changes that you can’t feel, and since the key to cure is early detection, I’m all for it. And I am religious about going.
So this morning, I threw breakfast in the pan, whipped up a smoothie for my daughter, and ran out of the house to the breast center, having scheduled the first appointment of the day. I’ve been thinking about this visit all week, running all kinds of scenarios through my head. I have this horrific low back ache, I don’t usually have aches in my low back, but my lovely imagination had taken me from back strain (more than likely from hauling 150 pounds of luggage over two countries in the last two weeks) to metastatic breast cancer gone into my spine. I dutifully filled out the paperwork, yes I’ve had cancer, I’ll never forget the date of diagnosis 2/22/2002. Yes I’ve had chemotherapy and a mastectomy. No, I never took hormone replacement therapy, yes, I’ve had two live births, the first in my mid 30’s. No, no history of breast cancer in my family. It seems sort of ironic that I don’t get a discount on my mammogram since there is only one breast to screen.
Yes the machine was cold, and yes it is bizarre how they get every inch of what little skin you have smushed under those plates, but the new digital images are clear and hopefully more accurate than traditional films, and can be quickly read by the attending physician.
By 7:30am, I was on my way home, with my cherished slip of paper in my hand, the sign off from the physician that all is well. The exhale was audible. My back is still a mess, and I am leaving tomorrow for an 8 hour drive to Virginia into the Shenandoah mountains (I don’t do well with long drives) to teach a garment construction four day retreat in a private studio, hauling 175 pounds of suitcases, up to a second floor when I get there. But back strain I can deal with. For now I’ll let my overactive imagination have a bit of a rest…
Thank you for the sane explanation of the creative imagination, mine works in that same way that yours does and i always thought I had a mental illness, little did I know that it is just my creativity applying itself in areas that it need not be working so hard in. I have not had breast cancer but go through the same thing every mammo and I can’t tell you how lucky you are to get your report in hand, they have stopped doing that in the Boston area and so my creative imagination gets to do its thing for… Read more »
Yipee! Congrats on your clean mamo. I had my first digital one last year. The tech showed me my previous “regular” one next to the digital. Geez, why do they even do them the old way. Right, money, but that’s a topic for another time.
Safe travels! Jerri
I am so glad you got through your mammo with favorable results. I have had a few tests in the last year, which scared me, but all turned out well. I know that dreaded feeling of anticipation.
Have a good trip. Safe travels. -Catherine
Congratulation on a good report……..such a scary thing for all of us women. About the running mind. How I can relate to that and I know that many of us can. It is now 3:30 A.M. Why am I sitting here at my computer……..because I could not sleep…….how to arrange furniture in a new house?……..what to take to a new house/what not to take……..where will my looms go……..what about all my stuff…. I want to just calm down, make a hot chocolate, pick up some knitting or curl up with a weaving book and then crawl back into bed really… Read more »
Fear=False Evidence Appearing Real. I also am learning that my imagination can get me into trouble with only a little encouragement and am learning to shut the door on rampant thoughts, once they are recognised. Obviously, I prefer peace and rest to the torment these lies bring. Some one told me that you can’t stop the birds (ie.ideas and thoughts) coming into your mind (fig.” tree”) but you dont have to let them build a “nest” there. So now I wave them off now with a big stick called reality. My faith is not in me to sort my life… Read more »
So glad to know you are OK. Enjoy your drive and watch out for the storms. We have had tornado watches and warnings for the last 8 days and more to come. Flooding is now an issue. What a mess. Staying home, knitting, sewing, weaving and quilting. That’s a good thing.
OK, so we all know what an over active imgination can do once in full muster. However, you may have more reason to be apprehensive than most of us. Am so very happy that the annual squishing came back fine. I call it ‘a pancake with no lumps’. You are at this moment enroute, so have a great weekend.
Congratulations on a clean bill of health. Yes the squishing is the pits, but very worth it. Have not had a digital one yet, due for a mammo in August. Sorry to hear about the back pain. Was told that ice is your friend, maybe get an ice pack in Walgreens that you can take with you and refreeze many times. Works well for me. Never thought pushing all those food carts 30 years ago would come back to haunt me! Have a safe trip to Virginia, it a great area where you are going and where everything should be… Read more »
I know you know this:
back strain + yoga = happy back
Get someone else to carry the suitcases up the stairs. It’s OK. And do enjoy the Virginia mountains – it should be beautiful.
Very good to hear all checked out well. Ahh…the vivid imagination thing…sigh. All my life I have well understood the ancient concept of midnight demons.
Congrats! So glad to hear another good one. My group of friends always sends out the “all clear” after mammos.
Glad you have a clean bill of health. I find the problem is that I chose to ignore or remove from the top of my mind that I once had cancer until I’m on my way to the dr. for the screening. By the time my car pulls into the driveway I have rehearsed how brave I will be knowing the worse. So far my imagination is wrong. AND…ask for help with the luggage and equipment…the back will not get better any other way.
Marvelous news. Like thousands of others, I prayed during yr bout w cancer. Terrifying.
I’m going thru my own fear trial, but seem to be handling it better, today.
Thrombocytopenia & leukopenia. Had a severe bout w it some yrs ago. No clue why.
I’ve been wondering why I was so deathly tired. Thinking I was morally reprobate for not doing anything around here.
Now, I understand – its better. Yr prayers welcome. Jennifer
Thank you for sharing and glad the news is good. It is mothers day – and I sat and thought how grateful I am at this time in my life for healthy children, mine and my husbands good health, for being able to be creative and weave – and that at some time in the future – things could change and that life is fragile and we should live loud in the now! Your blog is terrific!
Dawn