Thank you for your patience dear readers, it has been a difficult few weeks, as you can imagine. Most of you who follow me on facebook know about the outcome, but this blog is not about what happens to me in life, it is what I do with it. That of course will unfold with time.
1951-2016
My husband passed away last Friday, after a nine month battle with esophageal carcinoma. He was only 65. He was planning to retire this year. He was planning to run with his newly acquired million mile status. Life got in the way. I feel sad for him, happy that he is in peace now, but sad that he had no more tomorrows to do all the things he loved. He left me miraculous gardens, unmanageable really, but in the last weeks of his life, dozens of people came with gloves and buckets and tools and helped me weed, prune, muck out ponds, fix broken lines and leaking waterfalls, and lay 55 bags of mulch. Friends hauled debris off to the dump, and on Father’s Day, after he had passed, I bought more fish for one of the ponds. It seemed fitting. I don’t know how I will manage this legacy moving forward, obviously I’ll have to simplify, but there is such peace on my hands and knees, pulling weeds from the dirt, making new pathways from overgrown detritus.
I am starting the process of paperwork. Many of you have kindly let me know to expect this to go on for a year. Health insurance of course ended two days after he died, and it takes a few weeks to move into Cobra. There is all the tidying up of a life well lived.
The viewing was surreal, many of you who have stood in that kind of receiving line know that it is a blur but it is a reminder of the impact we have on others, no matter how insignificant it may seem. And in that long line (I heard there was an hour and a half wait to see me, my husband was a town official, much loved by many) about every 6th person was a knitter or a weaver. It was as if the universe reminded me of who I am and what really defines me and that all of you would be waiting for me. And the president of my weaving guild met one of the knitters from the library, and showed up Thursday night to join that group. We are all connected, new relationships are formed.
I gave the eulogy at the funeral. My husband did not want a religious service, but something that would memorialize him, a chance for those who loved him to laugh, to tease, to celebrate, to remember. I talked about my husband’s life, apparently for half an hour, I didn’t time it. For me it was like the keynote address of my life, I looked out at that audience and though I used a script, I spoke from my heart. I was in my normal keynote at a conference address mode, and I held it together with poise and grace, I’d like to think, until I made the grave mistake of looking at my children. Once I recovered, I was able to carry on and finish and then allow others to speak from their heart. We ended with my son, in full military dress, singing ‘a cappella’, Amazing Grace. There was not a dry eye in the place. I don’t know how he got through it, but he is a soldier, and he is his father’s son. He told me later he knew his father was beside him urging him on.
Many of you know my daughter Brianna, she spoke with elegance, with grace, with dignity, and with humor. My children are my strength, and so are all of you my friends in the fiber community.
Last night, I began to untangle the mess of my studio, not being in it for a month, it became a dumping ground, I still had stuff to unpack from the Oregon trip. Conference paperwork, guild teaching requests, orders for books, life continues, and so I must…
Sadly I did cancel my commitments for June. We brought my husband home from he hospital and arranged for hospice, and I had no idea how long the final process of death would take. It was important for me to let those affected know as soon as possible I wouldn’t be able to participate. I start to travel again the end of August, starting with my five day garment construction intensive at Harrisville Designs in NH, followed by Fiber College of Maine. And then Sievers. This is my 10th year at Sievers. I have my fiber family there.
I have seen over these last few months the absolute best of humanity. World events, politics, the presidential campaign that never ends, all of that just grazed by while real people, who care, who hold you up in the worst of times, who love, who share, who are really what this world is about; they all surrounded me and my children, and each other to help lay to rest a truly great man. I love you all and could not have traveled this road without you.
Last night, I sat in my studio, my goals accomplished and work done for the day. I picked up some skeins of yarn that were sitting on my cutting table under a pile of papers and other debris. I have no looms with warps on them. And so I sat, and started to plan. Just me and the yarn and a calculator, and a pad of paper and a pencil. There was such peace and gentleness around me. All is well…
You have taught me a great deal about fabric and weaving and sewing. Through your open sharing this past month you have taught me about life and love and the journey through it all. I will be at Harrisville in August. I look forward to time with you. My prayers continue for you and your family. Janet
Thank YOU for sharing your experience and strength.
You are one fantastic women. We can all learn from you (more than weaving). Thanks for sharing.
See you in Nashville
Judy
You are a role model for all of us. All the best to you and your family in your next chapter of life.
And he was there with you pulling the weeds and laying the mulch and helping you be at peace with your new world. You are a wonderful women of incredible strength and definitely know how to handle piles and piles of paperwork you will have to deal with as the months go by. Know you are loved by so many and draw from that. Come on out and stay a while for walks on the beach and whatever. Love, Nancy
You are an amazing woman. So full of strength and dignity. Through all of these difficult moments you showed me how to be strong and loving. I am certain that Kevin is watching over you and so very proud of his beautiful wife. We love you and again I want to thank you for sharing Kevin with so many of us. He will be missed but never forgotten. God bless you and your beautiful family. ?
You are just the most amazing woman. I thought of you all day long on Monday, sad that I could not have been there to celebrate your husband. Most unfortunately I was at the funeral of a close cousin who died only a few hours after Kevin did. Life does go on, no matter how we wish to stop it in the tracks and allow a few longer breaths. Love you lots and will think of you always. Fondly,
Bettes
There are no words…
<3
So very sorry for your loss. Draw strength from your kids as they will draw it from you. Time will make it easier.
Thank you for your grace, eloquence and openness during this difficult time. Through your writing, Kevin became a friend to more of us who never had the chance to meet him. I was delighted to hear about the friends who gathered to help with “spring cleaning” in the gardens, so that Kevin could enjoy them at their best, and wouldn’t worry about how you were going to accomplish it. The idea came to me that perhaps you could have a “Kevin Lancaster Memorial Garden Day” each spring to do the heavy clean-up, followed by a time to celebrate him. Wishing… Read more »
May your walks in the garden bring you peace and loving thoughts of your precious husband, knowing that he too, passed along the pathways. Love being sent to you and the children.
Daryl,
Your strength is always apparent and admired. I wish you peace through the next chapter.
May your walks in the garden bring you peace and loving thoughts of your precious husband, knowing that he too, passed along the pathways. Love being sent to you and the children. Be well.
No words. Completely understand how important ones garden is and how you feel even pulling weeds. We weavers really are very simple people, it does not take a lot to make us extremely happy. I smile with you! Jan Finfrock aka placket girl!
Love, Strength and the Comfort of Fiber.
I would only be able to echo all of the wonderful loving thoughts others have shared for you, so I will not do that, but I do want you to know how much I have always respected your family life as well as your professional life and I admire how you are able to balance so many things! How much I have learned about weaving and life from your blog posts! I will be thinking of you during this time of adjustment to your life’s changes. Take care, please.
I deeply admire your courage and strength. In 2010 my husband of 33 years passed after a lengthly illness. I know, as many other do, what it i like to walk in your shoes. Give yourself this next year. Grief is not a linear process – it ebbs and flows. Rely on your family, friends, garden and professional life to give you strength. Most of all, in those quiet moments in the garden, remember that your husband’s spirit is still there.
Daryl,
My heart goes out to you and your lovely family. Thank you so much for sharing, you are a true inspiration for me on the way to live an meaningful life.
Daryl, my dear friend. The road ahead is never clearly defined but the village is here for you and Eric and Brianna. Looking forward to seeing you in July. We love you all!
Carol
I could hardly read this for tears in my eyes, I am truly sorry – although we heard of Brianna and your son from time to time as they came into context, you were always focussed on your professional life and sharing your inspiration and knowledge, for which we thank you, so I also thank you for sharing this most personal time, a rare glimpse. I wish you peace of mind and heart – weaving heals.
My dear Daryl, You have such wonderful memories of him, absolutely great children, and your own strong spirit to carry you through the times ahead. I send you loving thoughts.
Daryl, thank you for all you have done for the weaving community and your willingness to share this journey with us. We will all understand if you need more time to grieve. While it’s important to carry on, it’s also important to allow time for your heart to heal. Give yourself that space. Your memories and the love that surrounds will carry you through. Kevin left way too early but his presence is always with you. Sending love, hugs, and blessings for the next phase of your life.
What a beautiful legacy and tribute! So sorry for your loss.
While each loss has similarities so too each one is unique so “I understand” is not quite sufficient, yet having been there, I do understand in a way. You have been told to plan for a year of paperwork. My accountant told me at least two years and he was right on. The first year you file taxes as you had before. The second (mine) you file as single and your bracket steeply rises. So all of a sudden you are supposed to maintain your life on less money. My main complaint is that the powers that be want fewer… Read more »
Comforted to hear you are ok, but I knew that deep inside. You are truly centered. A different craft but I know you know what I mean. Stay well.
Daryl,
I know you will find quiet peace in the gardens, a place where life and love are interwoven in nature’s tapestry. My heart is with you.
Janene
OHHHHH Daryl, I do not go to Facebook so was unaware……I write this with tears in my eyes and KNOW that with your family you will be well. Love from me
“All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.”
? Julian of Norwich
So sorry for your loss. Glad you have had such support and blessings during this challenging time. You are an awesome lady.
Cindy’s Sister-in-Law (met you at a Sievers class)
So sorry for your loss. You are an amazing person in all areas!
I sit here with goosebumps thinking of your dear husband, your daughter, your son and you. All my love, comfort and peace at this time and all the days forward.
You and your family carry yourselves with class and dignity, not often seen anymore.
Blessings
Daryl, I understand the grief and pain you are feeling and will feel in the future. It may take a year or more to process these feelings. Take the time to get in touch with these feelings. This is an important step for the sake of your spirit and creativity. Shed the tears, sit and smell the flowers, look for color in the world around. Your family and friends will help if you let them. Tell them what you need. This is the voice of experience. We will keep you close in our hearts and wish you and yours much… Read more »
I’ve been following your blog for years and even though we have never met I feel I know you. Please accept my sincerest condolences and know that you and your family are in my prayers.
Carry Forward. My heart felt sympathy
Very sorry for your loss. May you find comfort in your garden and in your weaving.
After reading the many posts, Colleen Rourke said it the best. The summer after my husband died I divided hosta and planted them in all the areas that I needed to weed whip around. I spent the whole summer crying, dividing, planting and crying. But as the tears flowed they also healed a very broken heart. The working in the soil brought me closer to the peace God has for us. You and your family are in my prayers.
Here’s a second to the “Kevin Lancaster Memorial Garden Day” idea. What a beautiful, soul comforting place! I’m thinking he can pull some strings from the Other Side to help keep it going, even though it change as all things must. Love you and admire you SO much!
Digging in the dirt and watering with your tears the gardens your loving husband created for you and your children is a poignant way to celebrate with appreciation the beautiful life you wove together as a family.
By interlacing and sharing your love of all things fiber with so many of us we are reminded to live our life fully and treasure every moment. And to notice the interlacements of the fibers as we share life together on planet earth.
Dear Daryl, From you Saskatchewan fiber friend, I am so sorry that you have lost your husband at this stage of your lives together. I lost my brother 14 years ago to throat cancer….9 months from diagnosis to death. It is ironically interesting that the time to create life was the same time span to die. I want to share something with you that helped me get through a loss. I am not religious but found these few words comforting to me. May it bring you some comfort and peace. Here it is…. Death is Nothing at All by Henry… Read more »
Daryl, your eulogy was wonderful. How you stayed so composed was beyond me, but thank you for filling in he blanks for me. I knew Kevin was a special person , but I had no knowledge of his s past. What a great role model for how to live life successfully! Thank you for those insights. Karen Bartholomew t
Daryl, I just arrived home to my computer and the news from last week’s post… My deepest condolences to you all. I’m grateful for what you shared about Kevin – I wish I had had a chance to know him personally or had been at the memorial to hear about him from those there. I know from personal experience that one doesn’t ‘get over’ or ‘get past’ the grief – it changes – it becomes easier to remember with pleasure and a smile, instead of tears… it adds something, rather than seeming like a hole that will never close and… Read more »
Thinking of you all.
I am so sorry to read your news. Unfortunately, there are no magic words to make it all better, or to take away the unexpected and overwhelming emotions you will suddenly feel. You will find your “new normal” in your different life.
You and your family have bags of courage, care and compassion, Daryl. We often have no choice as to what happens to us in life, but we do choose how we respond, and you choose the positive, the encompassing and the sharing path. May you find some solace and comfort from the very many people you know, even from far away, who are thinking of you and sending you love and support.
Daryl, I am so very and deeply sorry to hear about the loss of your dear husband. Know that although we have never met I feel a connection to you through the weaving community. May you and yours find peace and happiness.
Dear Daryl, I am so sorry to hear of your husband’s death. I am sure your children will give you strength and support. My thoughts are with you as you travel through the range of emotions which are sure to follow the loss of a loved husband. You may find as I that weaving is therapeutic.
Dear Daryl & family, my heart goes out to you all,,,your mom (Daryl) has a heart so tightly weaved of love, it is so tightly wound of fabric it will last for litetimes throughout the Ebling & lancaster families!
R.I.P. Kevin !!
Dear Daryl, Eric and Brianna, I am so sorry to hear that your husband and father has passed away. It is such a strange time in your lives to be adjusting to such a heavy loss. You have whole communities of family and friends who share your grief and will support and lift you with their grace and comfort. Your friends who know you through your blog have laughed and cried with you in your pursuit of sharing your weaving knowledge. We’re still here and hurting with and for you and your children in your time of sorrow. Spend the… Read more »
So sorry to hear your news. Even though we have never met, I have read many of your blogs and have always appreciated your contribution to our textile world. Take the time you need and then I wish you all the best.
Daryl, I have not read your post in several months and just saw that you lost your dear husband, I am so, so sorry for your loss. How completely heartbreaking. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Dawn